On some assumptions...

On some assumptions...
I've learned that, as you roll through this thing we call life, people are gonna make some assumptions about you. As if you cared, here are some...



1). If you're over 6'3", people are going to assume you play basketball. I don't play basketball. I can't dunk. I couldn't possibly care less. What I care about is, if someone tosses me the keys to a 1967 Ford GT40 Mk II, will I fit inside?

See, assuming someone plays a sport based on how their built is inherently stupid. Allow me to throw a scenario at you.

"Wow, you're tall. Do you play basketball?"

"Well, let me ask you--do you bowl?"

"Why would you ask if I bowl?"

"Well, why would you ask if I play basketball?"

"Well, 'cause you're tall."

"Well, you're fat."

See what I mean?

2). If you play an upright bass, people are gonna assume you play jazz. I don't play jazz, and in fact I royally suck at jazz. I regularly listen to jazz and go "What the fuck?" I have a hard time following the chord progression, and decent jazz bass players leave me in the weeds. If I got up in front of a jazz club with my upright bass, I'd get killed by barbarians with rocks. Also beatniks.

3). If you ride a motorcycle, people are going to automatically assume you are some kind of rebel. That's fine--I don't mind people thinking I might kill them at the slightest provocation (though nothing could be further from the truth) if it means they'll think twice about cutting me off. Another assumption that goes hand-in-hand with this is that, if you ride a motorcycle, you have a leather jacket. My buddy Adam doesn't have one. My buddy Matt doesn't have one. Alright, I have one, but it's not a statement; it's insurance in case you wipe out, which I have. Also, I get cold a lot. I have ridden to work in a shirt and tie, complete with wingtips on (which make it a bitch to shift, and also increase the chances you'll fall over at a stoplight if you put your foot down on a particularly greasy spot), yet with no leather jacket in sight. Now that's rebellious.

4). When people ask you what you do for a living, if you tell them you are a physics teacher, they will assume you are some kind of genius. Could anything be further from the truth? I can't even balance my own checkbook. On the way in to work in the morning, if the heater's going too strong, I often turn down the radio and then wonder why it's still hot. Ask me to add two numbers and it'll take me awhile because I have to find my calculator first. Have I gone to work and left my front door wide open? Yes. Can I correctly spell the word sheriff? Occasionally. Did I once get pulled over in downtown Hinckley for making a U-turn right underneath a 'No U-turn' sign? Hai! Have I paid the same water-bill twice? Yes, on multiple occasions.

5). If you start a blog with numbered items, as I have, people are going to assume you have a bunch of items. Especially if you normally write Dostoyevskyan diatribes of epic lengths, as I have. And, when I began this one, I expected to have a bunch more stuff. Bummer...I seem to have run out of ideas. I hope you didn't make popcorn and settle in to read another installment in the "This is Jay's Life!" soap opera. Really, I thought I was gonna have a lot more to say... See what I mean?

Okay...I stop now.